Until It Beats No More

On Monday, I will be single for two months. The first month had been really hard for me. I didn't get over it unscathed. I've tried different approach to move on but this one is by far the most successful. It's been two weeks since I signed up in a dating/networking sites which I was really trying to avoid. I'm single so it wouldn't hurt, and besides I told myself if ever I get in to a relationship again, I would delete my account there. So there, I've been meeting and talking to a lot of people lately and I must say I'm really enjoying this. And then there's this one person who really captured my attention. The one you're calling DINOsaur. I know I don't have to explain anything but for goodness sake! We are not together! It just happened that we both have the same story. Both left by someone we love during the last week of September and supposedly be turning one by December. Anyway, Why am I writing this? I don't know too. I guess I just have to write something just to clear my mind up. I've been wondering why are you still texting me every now and then after you made it clear that you don't want to hear from me again. I don't know your motives and it's confusing me. You left me like I was nothing to you when I gave you everything of all that I am. I loved you until the very last tear. I don't hate you. I just hate how you treated me after you left me. All those heartbreaking words you said really left a scar on me. But I know how to forgive. That's something you really need to learn. YOU ARE NOT GOD! Lower your pride and learn to forgive. What I went through was really traumatic and I really need someone to help me cope up or else I would have lost it ages ago. Nevertheless, I may change a bit but it never damaged my spirit. I know I will love again. And when that time comes, I won't be scared. I will take risk and I will give him the same treatment as I gave to you. I will make him feel loved and cared for everyday of his life. The one thing you just thrown out because you were so weak to handle it. I know I'm not perfect but I am definitely not the worst and someone knows that. I love you so much that it still hurts every time I think of the things you said to me. I hope you're happy, now that you left me wounded and in tears. I have paid my dues and now we're even. We both wasted each other so I really don't know who is at fault this time. Don't blame me if I wanted to be happy. You know sooner or later I will find someone. I've tried to wait for you but every time I try to show it to you, you shove me further away from you. I wanted to fix us but you tore me to pieces.

Why?

Lord,
Last year, you gave me something great. It might be a Christmas gift from you. I know I wasn’t looking that time but it happened. I was so happy but why did you have to take it away after 9 months? If I knew you would take it away, I would’ve returned him to you immediately. Lord, why me? Why do I have to suffer like this? Every time I mask the pain, it just finds its way back and I bounce back to the first day when he left me. This is too much. I beg you to please take it all away or make my heart as hard as a stone. I never knew that loving so much will become this unbearable. Why do you have to test me over and over again? All I wanted is to pass the test, not to perfect it. Take it back. I know I’m not perfect but there are other people who deserve this pain I’m going through. I’ve been a loyal, loving and caring partner for him so why me? Why did you give me a sensitive heart? You could have given me the heart of a criminal but you made me weak. I’m in so much pain right now. Please take me. Lord, stop testing me. I can’t do this anymore. Don’t you think I’ve suffered enough? What did I do to deserve this? Tell me and maybe I will understand. I want my heart to stop beating. Lord, make it all go away please. I’m on my knees now. What else do I have to do? I trust you Lord but please make it bearable. I don’t know if chances still exists coz’ right now I’m so confused. We’re ok one day and then we’re not. You’re making me happy one moment and then you’d take it all back. WHY? Just give me the answers. Talk to me. I’m so tired but you won’t let me give up. Take my life if that’s what you want. I’m ready.

Sincerely,
Cedric

I'll do it all over again

39th Day, Sunday

I'm planning to get out of the house anyway so I asked my cousin(Sarah) to watch a movie. Still feeling sick, I took a shower and went out. As I queue to get the tickets I can't help but wish that you were still there beside me. The lady told me that the seats for the movie isn't reserved seating but only guaranteed. I waited for her til it's 4:15pm (5 minutes before the movie starts). Sarah told me that she's going to treat me a popcorn so I said OK. I was surprised to see she was only carrying one bucket of cheese flavored popcorn. I said, "alam mo ba na pag nanunuod kami ni Legenn eh laging dalawa binibili namin?" ( Did you know that every time Legenn and I watch a movie, we always buy two?) and then laughed. As we entered the cinema, I looked straight for seats R19 and R20 (we own those seats) but someone is seating at R19 with R18 (couple) so we had to settle for the seats directly in front of it. We were just in time for the movie because as we took our seats, the opening credits begun to roll. I know we were supposed to watch "Puss in Boots" together but you're not here with me. The movie was funny but at some point it kept on reminding me about you. The first part of the movie showed a tattoo "LEGENDARY" and the magic beans and Sarah laughed. And oh boy, that word popped out a lot on that movie. I still remember how you used to laugh whenever you see "Puss" lick the milk of the glass. I wish I could hear that laughter once again. Anyway, as the film progresses, there were three girls talking loudly near us. I almost wanted to stand up and approach them to tell them to shut up. Last time I was supposed to do that, you shoved me back to my seat. I just let it pass this time. I miss you. BTW, as usual, the popcorn didn't last up to the middle part of the movie and if you were there beside me, my hand will be on your bucket of popcorn. After the movie, I decided to stay at the mall to walk around. I bought a necklace for our ring. If I can't wear it on my finger, at least it's close to my heart. I also had it cleaned so it looks brand new. The saleslady was asking for the cleaning card but I said I lost it when in fact I wanna say, I lost the person who has it. I almost bought the watch I wanted but I have to hold back for another month because I still need to pay something. I'm now wearing the necklace with the ring as a pendant so people will know that I'm waiting for someone. Someone close to my heart. I keep on wondering how our story will end. Will it end like the story of Carrie and Big? amidst the problems they encountered they still ended up together? Can you still remember how I say "through thick and thin" to you? I hope you do. So there, that's how my Sunday went. I still need to recover from a Flu but going back to work tomorrow. I wish you're doing good with your job. Be a good boy as I always knew you were.

If it takes a lifetime

It's been 38 days since I last saw your face, last heard your voice and last felt your touch. Frankly, people think I am okay because that's how I want them to see me. But everyday that I am away with you kills me inside. Not knowing what the end holds for me. For now, I really don't have anything to hold on to except the memories we had created together. Thinking about the times how you and I made each other smile without saying a word helps put a smile on my face. I know I have to stop stressing about what could have been because chances are, if it would have been, it should have been. I really miss you a lot and no matter what people say about you not coming back. I'm still hoping that you do. We we're both blinded by what we had that we got lost. Suddenly, waking up every Saturday morning is different. No more post its everywhere, No more morning hugs and kisses and No more popcorn movies. Regrets never came across my mind for because when I'm with you, I have nothing to fear and nothing to worry about. You became a best friend, a confidant, a partner to me. I love looking after you and taking care of you because you were never a brat and it made me feel I am needed in a relationship for the first time. I also love how you throw your tantrums and how you gave me a hard time making it up to you because whenever I put a smile on your face makes all the challenge worth it. We both lost time for some things that we used to have time for. Time for friends, families and personal activities because for us, being together filled it out when we are together. But we were wrong. We both failed at something that I always say the most important and that is communication. It's not always about us exchanging messages every now and then but it's also the time where we should have talked about the problems we are encountering in our relationship. Too bad we just found that out when we broke up. As bad as it may seemed, I really think you needed to release that so we can both fix ourselves. For when the time comes for us to be reunited, we know how to work it out. I've been thinking a lot lately about what happened. Blaming each other wouldn't help ease the situation because it only makes it worse. Pride isn't different because it kills something that we both could possibly have. I love you and I will never get tired of saying that to you. People get angry because they get disappointed all the time and I know that you got disappointed at me too. I should have listened to what you're not saying but I can't do that all the time. You have to speak what's on your mind so I can do something about it. Let's face it, you are still mad at the things I did. That’s why you said some pretty mean things about me but I know you didn't mean it. If I am to fill your shoes, maybe I would feel the same toO. There isn't a night that I pray for a tomorrow when we are in each other’s arms again. I also pray that no matter how that hatred you are feeling, it will be gone soon. I know you have a good heart LNC, being angry all the time is not the real you. I wish one day I could see your smile again when I wake up in the morning and maybe when that time comes, we'll make it perfect. Remember how you played "Don't Matter" by Akon one day I woke up? It should be like that. It doesn't matter if nobody wants to see us together because we got each other. For now I think we both need Time to heal all the wounds we incurred during the battle. Patience for everything that is happening and Forgiveness for what we had done with our relationship. I miss Nemo and I hope you miss your Toyo. I love you and I'm sorry. I don't know if you would read this at all but I have to release how I feel because you won't let me talk to you. For now, I hope you listen to this song.

"So baby I will wait for you
Cause I don't know what else I can do
Don't tell me I ran out of time
If it takes the rest of my life
Baby I will wait for you
If you think I'm fine it just ain't true
I really need you in my life
No matter what I have to do I'll wait for you"